Mature Birds and Bees: Sex In Later Life

In my counseling practice I often share useful ideas from other sources.  For example, Michael Metz and Barry McCarthy, two psychologists with much experience in relationships and sexuality, teach a model of sexual teamwork for more mature couples they call "Good Enough Sex" (GES) which I think is extremely useful.

In these days of Viagra and youth culture it's common for people, especially men, to measure successful sex exclusively by an effortless progression from arousal to intercourse to orgasm, even when the natural aging process makes this less likely to occur.  Metz and McCarthy help couples to focus less on mere intercourse and more on intimacy, pleasure and satisfaction.  Erections wax and wane but a value on mutual sharing of intimacy and pleasure can warm many a cold night.

Sex among older and more experienced men is not generally suited to the fast and urgent style of youth. Instead, a more successful, enjoyable approach arises from:

• anticipation (thinking about and looking forward to a later encounter), to
• comfort (approaching sex without anxiety and feeling open to whatever happens),
• pleasure (including both physical touch and emotional stimulation),
• arousal (increased blood flow and heart rate, erection and full emotional engagement),
• erotic flow (willingness to let go physically and emotionally), and
• intercourse as a natural extension of the pleasuring process.

Men need to accept and even embrace the fact that life isn't over if sex doesn't end in intercourse.  A guy can be happy and comfortable with an erotic, non-intercourse scenario or even a "rain check" for another time.  A range of pleasurable encounters is quite possible even when an erection happens to "take a break."  This style of sex "ages" far better than the young-stud approach many men cling to.

Metz and McCarthy emphasize the fact that the quality of sex in a committed relationship is inherently variable.

"Sex is an interpersonal process......and is dependent upon all the emotional complexity and flux of any connection between two distinct personalities.  In any relationship, therefore, sex will exhibit as many moods, colors, flairs, and profiles as the relationship itself."

It's important for couples to realize that less than half of all sexual encounters involve both partners experiencing high levels of desire, arousal, orgasm  and satisfaction.  In fact, it's normal for 5 to 15 percent of sexual encounters to be dissatisfying or dysfunctional.  Even the happiest couples experience mediocre or even lousy sex from time to time.

"The resilient couple can revel in the great times, take some pleasure from the mediocre times, and accept with equanimity the times of distinctly ungreat sex.  Therefore, the most realistic approach for couples seeking a happy sex life is to focus on establishing an overall pattern of desire, pleasure and satisfaction, and not to expect peak sexual performance on every occasion, or even on many occasions."

Metz and McCarthy teach that sex has five main, interconnected goals:

1. to share pleasure and enjoyment;
2. to deepen intimacy and satisfaction;
3. to reduce or alleviate the emotional stresses inherent in sharing a life with someone;
4. to reinforce and even enhance each partner's self-esteem, and
5. to fulfill the traditional biological function of procreation.

It's helpful for couples to realize that it's normal to have sex for multiple and fluctuating reasons and that each partner may have a different "agenda" at any particular time.  This reduces one-dimensional or restricted ideas about what sex "should mean".  A more realistic and flexible attitude toward sex allows each partner to enjoy various roles, accept each other's differences and appreciate the range of meanings that sex has at different times. 

Healthy sexual interactions are greatly influenced by other aspects of the relationship that occur "upright and with clothes on."  Trust, mutual acceptance, ongoing sharing of pleasure, freedom of self-expression and deep valuing of the relationship are indispensable engines that power sexual fulfillment.  When these are present there is no reason for the varieties of sexual expression to stop at any time in life, regardless of physical functioning.

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I hope you will take a little time to read some of my many other articles to educate, encourage and inspire you along your journey to a life you richly deserve.  If I can provide more personal assistance to you, either in person, by phone or via Skype, please don't hesitate to contact me.