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Every day an increasing number of people are finding the need to come to grips with the painful reality of sex addiction. In large measure this is due to the Internet's ability to place hardcore pornography, sexualized chat and surreptitious sexual encounters within reach of millions of people who are totally unprepared for the out-of-control obsessive spiral this ready access is capable of fueling. The resulting layers of secrecy, illicit excitement, isolation and distorted thinking surrounding these behaviors can reinforce each other to such a level that nothing will stop this escalating cycle until some type of discovery makes the double life evident to others.

It is at this difficult point that a person may take the courageous step of turning for help to a 12 step group such as Sex Addicts Anonymous (click this link for a list of the many such groups in the Atlanta area). But for the "addiction model" to be useful, one challenge is to determine what is meant by sexual sobriety.

What constitutes a sexually addictive relapse? For alcohol or drug dependencies the concept of sobriety is straight-forward: no use of mood-altering substances. Ingesting a drink or drug clearly constitutes a "relapse". But it's not so simple when dealing with sex addiction. Contrary to what still lingers as a popular misconception, the goal is not to abstain from sex altogether. In many ways, recovery from compulsive sexual behavior is similar to that of compulsive overeating. The object is to act in a manner that is physically and emotionally appropriate rather than in a compulsive manner that violates personal and relational integrity and leads to self-loathing and emotional isolation. And just as excessive food restriction isn't the same as healthy eating, "sexual anorexia" is not the goal of sex addiction recovery.

Although sustained abstinence is not the ultimate goal, an initial period of committed celibacy can be beneficial for a number of reasons. First, a period of total sexual abstinence allows for the process of emotional withdrawal to occur. An addict who no longer has a compulsive sexual "high" to rely upon has an opportunity to experience feelings that mayhave become numbed by excessive neurological stimulation. A period of celibacy allows such formerly repressed emotions to become acknowledged, discussed and even treated in the case of depression or severe anxiety.

Another major benefit of an initial period of celibacy is that many sex addicts have difficulty achieving a period of sustained abstinence for any appreciable period of time. This evidence of insufficient will-power can reinforce the painful realities of the addictive plight that might otherwise be denied of minimized. While there are no specific rules for an optimal length of celibacy, 60 or 90 days are frequently used as a benchmark.

The final benefit of celibacy during the early part of the recovery process is that it allows for some healing to take place in the primary relationship (if there is one that continues in the aftermath of discovery) by removing any sexual pressure from the partner of the addict. While addicts may have some areas of great sexual proficiency they are often extremely impaired in achieving non-erotic intimacy. Attempts to achieve emotional closeness without any expectation of foreplay can present new vistas of truly tender emotional nurturance to develop.

For many addicts, an effective definition of sexual sobriety is to engage in sex only with a primary partner when true emotional intimacy is present. This acknowledges that even while an addict is engaging in sexual activity with a monogamous partner it's still possible to be "checked out" emotionally by being lost in isolated fantasy. This essentially turns a partner into an object to be used for personal gratification rather than a person with which to share an intimate connection.

For individuals who are not in a relationship (and even for some who are) the issue of whether masturbation is consistent with recovery is important to consider. Compulsive masturbation, both with or without pornography, often becomes a heavily reinforced behavior that is central to the addictive cycle. It’s difficult for anyone to masturbate without engaging in some degree of sexual fantasy. For addicts this can often be a major gateway to a downward spiral that escalates into obsession, surreptitious intrigue, objectification and eventually full-fledged activation of a compulsive sexual ritual that respects no boundary. In that sense masturbation can be an entry point into increasingly destructive behavior.

Others feel that non-compulsive masturbation aids the biological urge for sexual release, provides appropriate self-nurturance and contributes to an overall sense of sexual health. For such people, talking about this topic with another trusted person who is involved in a similar program of recovery can be of inestimable value in insuring that this behavior does not approach unhealthy extremes.

So what exactly constitutes a relapse for people who struggle with addictive sexual behavior? The answer is simply any sexual activity that falls outside of pre-determined boundaries. Depending on the particular parameters of an individual’s addictive preferences a relapse may include any of the following: use of pornography, cruising for sex, participating in anonymous sex, use of electronic media (such as the computer or telephone) for sexual purposes, affairs, any type of commercial sex such as strip clubs, massage parlors or prostitutes, or any other form of sexual behavior that has proved destructive. In 12-step lingo this is often referred to as "bottom-line behavior" not to be crossed.

In addition to “bottom lines”, the related concepts of "border lines" and “top lines” can be very helpful to understand. A “border line” (often called a "boundary”), is any behavior that poses significant risk to the resumption of the addictive cycle and which therefore must be carefully self-monitored. Crossing a boundary isn’t the same as a relapse but it can spark a gradual or sudden slide into addictive behavior. Examples of such boundaries may include certain television shows or other forms of our highly sexualized media culture, late-night internet use, alcohol consumption, or even social isolation or lingering resentmentand.

Three other common boundaries are objectification (looking at or thinking about another person for purely sexual reasons), intrigue (flirtatious, seductive or “grooming” behavior and fantasy (imagining sexual scenarios). Such boundaries are like the warning track on a baseball outfield, signaling an imminent collision without a change of course.

“Top lines” are healthy behaviors that promote physical self-care, insure sustained emotional and mental health and ward off the potential destructive influences of the addictive pull. Examples may include regular exercise, recreational activities, reading inspirational literature, prayer and meditation, journal keeping, and engaging in professional counseling.

Most addicts find it extremely beneficial (although initially very difficult) to have regular contact with other people who are similarly engaged in the recovery process. This includes a sponsor, a person possessing extensive sobriety who can provide the addict with ongoing mentoring on a personal basis.

All of these top lines are generally not sufficient in themselves to develop and sustain long-term sexual sobriety, but they serve a crucial function in “filling the gaps” in an addict’s life once addictive behavior has ceased.

This overview has provided a very brief orientation to some of the key concepts of sex addiction recovery. Freedom from sexually addictive behavior is entirely possible but it is rarely easy for the true addict. This is a behavior that is often woven into the fabric of a person's being at a level that has never been adequately acknowledged or openly shared. Sincere remorse, earnest conviction, heartfelt promises and penitent prayer are often woefully insufficient for achieving sexual sobriety that extends well past the initial stages of the recovery process.

Prolonged and definitive courses of action are often necessary to instill new and healthier behaviors that result in positive self-esteem, an ongoing sense of integrity and the presence of healed and trusting relationships. As is sometimes humorously said by those engaging in such a process of recovery, "the work is hard but the pay is good!"

(Note: I have recently added a page that describes some key differences in the four major 12-step groups for sexual recovery, including how each 12-step group defines sexual sobriety.)

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There's much more on this website about Atlanta sex addiction resources and the specialized services of Atlanta Certified Sex Addiction Therapist Bill Herring, LCSW, CSAT.